Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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