Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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