i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
