Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize