I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My liver just had a heart attack.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
