she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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