Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
