smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
