so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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