6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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