I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
