The best revenge is premature balding
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
