pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
