I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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