Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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