Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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