my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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