'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Randomize
