my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
