That's when you crack a 10am beer
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
