He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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