Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Randomize
