my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I enjoy the company of your penis
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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