I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dicks are not precious.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
