I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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