There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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