From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
