i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
