guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
