If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
