I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize