Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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