Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
