im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
