Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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