I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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