somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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