i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
