So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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