Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
