So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
