My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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