Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
