About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
