Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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