i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Terrible idea I love it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
