so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
