I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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