im drinking this country out of the recession.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
