Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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