Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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