omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
