i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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