my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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