You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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